Love and Irritation
“What if my best isn’t good enough? It’s good enough for me.”
— Final Space
Increasingly, I feel that my life is going nowhere. It’s been like that for a long time now. There’s no direction or trajectory to follow. I’m not the hero of my own story. I’m not particularly successful with what I have done up until now and don’t have a measurable interest in continuing further down that path. I don’t see what I’m supposed to do with my life. All I know is that I want to work more with people, less with technology. The uncertainty irritates me.
I don’t have any large-scale dreams. Like something I’ve always wanted to do or learn or become. If I had, I could focus on overcoming my fears of attempting to make them real. I do wish for a different life altogether. That I had taken different paths and lived through different outcomes. I don’t regret a whole lot. Most of what happened to, with and through me was and is a result of circumstance. Given the same set of parameters, people, experiences and surroundings, things probably always pan out a certain way, within certain tolerances. That’s why I’d wish for a whole different chance instead of having made different choices, adjusting minutiae. I would have needed to be in a position to be able to make different choices in the first place. Going back in time and trying to fix one or two things could never change the inevitable.
I wish for a meaningful romantic relationship. One that feels natural and easy and at the same time offers a deep connection for both. Humans are complicated and laden with personal issues. That’s perfectly alright. I’m a human and this applies to me too. Troubles are alright, as are issues that crop up from time to time. It’s humans nature when interacting closely. I’m not looking for Miss Right who checks all the boxes. There are not that many boxes to begin with. However: essential and non-negotiable is a commitment towards constant, mutual growth. I’ve never had a relationship like that. I’m aware it sounds like a cliché.
I’m far from perfect and don’t aspire to be. I’m a beautifully flawed human being wishing for connection with another beautifully flawed human being. That’s it. I’d love to cook dinner, go stargazing on clear summer nights, have adventures or stay in for a lazy Sunday in bed, full of cuddles and silliness and slow sex. To have fights over stupid things that resolve themselves into nothingness. To go grocery shopping, pay bills and worry about inconsequential crap. To live a full life — together. Day-to-day life can be romantic, if we want it to be. We can decide to love, even when we’re not feeling it right that second. We can decide to be open and honest, even when it hurts.
Life itself is simple. It’s simple to a degree that our conditioning will not accept its simplicity at face value. It cannot be that stupidly simple, it just can’t.
We invent elaborate rituals and assign meaning to mundane things in an attempt to make sense of it all. We keep ourselves ever busier to stem the always-increasing tide of complexity our own actions will into existence. What we almost never do is: stop. To become idle, to reflect, to breathe. There’s an app for that on my Apple Watch. We need automated reminding to do nothing for a minute or two, once a day. It’s insane. We’re going insane. We have been on this trajectory since we moved on from a structure of small tribes living with nature as opposed to trying to dominate it.
Love is universal. There’s never a total absence of love, even when it feels like it. It’s omnipresent. We are connected with it to varying degrees or we are not. We decide, consciously or not, to let it flow though us or to sever the connection. What I wish for more than anything else is to be in love and connected to a partner who is in love, to be in and surrounded by this universal love. I don’t want to be loved at or love at someone, I wish for being in love together.
Once we find a way to connect with this universal love, we know what to do. The heart is a great compass in a universe where all directions and dimensions are equally valid. I hope that eventually, it will lead me to where I should be, to receive what I need and fulfil me.
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